I have not been able to write my blog for the last two weeks, which is strange for me, as the words usually come quite easily. However, my life has been in a very uncertain state of change. My old home was sold, I didn’t know where I was going to be moving to, and I didn’t have much time. It has felt like I have been in the sand in the upper half of an hourglass. I haven’t been able to find any ground beneath my feet and feel like my fingers have been scrabbling against the smooth glass for purchase.
I haven’t felt that I have had anything helpful to say so as I sat to write my blog, I drew a blank.
In hindsight it has been a fascinating process – although still ongoing. I am surprised and happy to say that my formal practice has been strong, in that I have been getting myself to the cushion. Once on the cushion there has been a lot of distraction, with my mind clutching at any hope of some certainty. I am happy to say that I have let myself off the hook for my mind wandering and repeatedly brought myself back to rest in the present, before wandering off again. Still, I haven’t taken myself or my wandering too seriously.
It has been interesting, in that often when I got caught up in fear based thoughts about what was going to happen, there was a part of me that was able to sit back and be curious. There was a partial buy in to the panicked planning, but an underlying sense of letting things unfold in their own way.
In my daily life I have been positively distracting myself so as to avoid my habit of attempting to control the future. When not actively involved in a task that occupied the bandwidth of my conscious mind, I have listened to an audio book or to music. An audio book that I know the outcome of has been very soothing. As has music that I know and love. Waking up too early in the morning I have practiced coherent breathing or a mindfulness of dream and sleep guided audio practice, so as to relax and take my mind off my habit of trying to control the future.
I know for sure that thinking about what might happen is a waste of time and will only make me feel worse. The only sensible approach is to let go of planning, to let go of any sense of control, which is an illusion anyway. I can go along with the sand, just let myself fall through the hour glass, stay curious, enjoy the ride as best I can, and see where I land.
Fingers crossed, the destination is looking pretty amazing, but I won’t say any more about that yet. I will wait a while longer to see how the sand settles.