Heather’s Musings – In Limbo
I am finding it quite hard to write my blog this week. I feel I am in limbo – on a retreat/holiday until the end of the week – and then back to a life full of change, with lots to do, although I can’t do any of it yet. I move to my new home, sell my old home and separate from my partner of 24 years.
All the plans were carefully laid before I left for my retreat/holiday in mid December. There is not much left to decide as all the decisions were made then. Just a few dates to confirm and then all the changes will unfold within the next couple of weeks. Then what will life be like?
I am optimistic. The causes and conditions look good for a simple, settled life in which I can practice more and work less. But what will the reality be? I want to know – NOW! But I can’t. So I find that I have an underlying but fairly constant feeling of anxiety, with bouts of excitement and sadness.
I was hoping to write this blog about gratitude as it can be a good practice, to cultivate gratitude, at this time of the year. But it’s not where I’m at this week and so seems somewhat disingenuous.
I am finding some strength and stability in my daily practice. I have a lovely view from my meditation spot here over a shallow valley with lots of amazing sky. So I enjoy sitting in front of the glorious sunrise each morning. I love the view of the sky. I think to myself:
Body like a mountain,
Breath like the wind,
Mind like the sky, and
Thoughts like the clouds.
When I say this to myself, while in practice or out walking, a calm generally descends. A grounded-ness arises and a sense that my thoughts are not real and so can be allowed to come and go, manifesting from the mind as clouds manifest from the sky. There have been quite a few storms and a lot of heavy cloud in the sky outside, but this has resulted in the most glorious orange, red and pink sun rises and sun sets.
Endless flocks of starlings fly past each evening on their way to roost. The size of the flocks is astonishing and the formations of flying black dots seem to go on and on and on….like my thoughts about what might be.
I am living near the beach and so most days I take the dogs for a walk there. Again, I love the endless sky and also being by the water. A calm generally descends as I am in touch with the ground, step by step.
Still the feelings of anxiety, sadness and excitement persist and all I need to do is accept them. I recognise intellectually that such feelings are to be expected at times of change. I know that there is nothing wrong with these feelings – a natural evolved response to life’s circumstances. However, at a deeper level, I want these feelings to go away, so there is a resistance to accepting them. So I am accepting the resistance too.
As I look out of the window now at the darkening sunset, it feels cathartic to have written this – which wasn’t so difficult in the end. Once I had let go of my agenda about what to write about the words came. Just like life – if we can let go of our agendas things just unfold – generally in my experience for the best. Fingers crossed!